


It's dark inside

by karamel_dreams



Series: The three of us [5]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Karamel baby AU, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, it's angst guys, prepare yourselves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 03:31:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13872195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karamel_dreams/pseuds/karamel_dreams
Summary: While home alone with he and Kara's baby daughter, Mon-El has a panic attack.





	It's dark inside

**Author's Note:**

> @emilaysjonas requested this, so here, hope you like it and sorry if it's not exactly what you wanted. 
> 
> Enjoy!

It was still early in the evening, the house was well illuminated, and apart from a little voice squealing at random times, the house was quiet. The TV was muted, totally forgotten, and the couch was preoccupied. Mon-El was sitting across it horizontally, his knees bent, a sleepy, tiny girl layed on his lap. There was an empty bottle set on the coffee table, a dirty set of clothes discarded on one armchair, and the room was a little bit of a mess, truth be told. Toys here, baby clothes there, someone had certainly taken over the place, existing in every corner of the house in one way or another. 

"Where's my sweet girl?" Mon-El asked in that babyish voice all adults automatically do when talking to infants. "Where's my beautiful girl? My gorgeous girl, my little princess? Huh? You having fun with daddy today? Oh yeah, yes you are." He kept talking, meaningless things, sweet nothings, as his daughter looked at him with wide eyes, her mouth open as she mimicked his sounds. She had her tiny fingers wrapped around her father's thumbs, her toes digging in his stomach.

"I love you so much," Mon-El told her. "Yes I do. Sooooo much," he exaggerated, his comic expressions and his soft voices complementing his theatricals. His lips moved all over the small figure, kissing her head, her hair, her neck, her tummy, her thighs, her feet. The truth was, he had missed her. Usually he got to sneak into the house for a couple of hours to see her, when he wasn't too busy working or patrolling around the city, but he wasn't always lucky enough to find her awake or in the mood to play. Sometimes, being the baby that she was, she just wanted her mom and her bed, and Mon-El was a bit of an extra, unneeded figure. But today was different, today they were spending together, since Kara had to go into the DEO for something that she really couldn't put on hold. Not that Mon-El minded, he'd been more than happy to stay in for a day, to spend some much-needed time with his daughter.

The baby yawned loudly, her face a cute, creasing little ball, and Mon-El lifted her up gently, maneuvering her crouched form to rest on his chest. He grabbed her fluffy blanket and covered her up, stroking his thumb across her small back to ease her into sleep. The little one yawned once more, nuzzling her nose in her father's shirt, seeking his familiar scent, and she fell asleep almost instantly, as if that was all she had needed.

It made Mon-El smile fondly as he pressed a light kiss atop her head, to see her so comfortable and quiet in his arms. Sometimes he was worried his daughter wouldn't grow used to his presence, especially when he was missing most of the day, but then she did things like that and all his worry faded. It was like she knew about his insecurities and made sure to show him how much she needed him too, not just her mother.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," he whispered, his voice almost inaudible so he wouldn't disturb his resting angel. "Your mom too, but you," he continued. "You're something else," he told her and wrapped both arms around her, not tightly but securely. He breathed in her baby smell, felt her soft hair tickling his nose, and he shut his eyes in contentment.

He must have been a little tired himself, because without realizing, he fell asleep too. Right there, lying awkwardly across the couch, with his baby girl sprawled on his chest.

When his eyelids flattered open next the clock read two hours later. Mon-El let out a quiet yawn, still mindful of the tiny lady napping atop him, and he slowly stood and walked to her room to put her in her proper bed. He turned to leave, and he did, but at the last second he stopped. He stood at the door, squinting against the darkness, and gazed at the small figure with a dichotomous unease. Affection flooded him, made his skin tickle and his lips quirk up, however, the sensation was soon accompanied by paralyzing fear. His eyes widened, his lips parted in a noiseless gasp. He ran a hand through his hair and tagged, needing to feel the sting, the sharp pain. He couldn't really, he was an alien after all, but if he focused enough the phantom pain almost felt real, it almost grounded him.

Remnants of some familiar nightmare lingered in his mind, but he was already forgetting, already overwhelmed by its aftermath. Mon-El placed an open palm against the wall, to steady himself, and breathed deeply to ease the tightness in his chest. Looking at his daughter, seeing her safe and warm and quiet, made him feel better. But in his fading nightmare, in his distant memories, he saw the face of every child he'd failed to keep as safe and warm and quiet. He saw pleading eyes, he heard their cries, but he wasn't quick enough, he wasn't strong enough. What if that happened to her, to his precious girl, the one that had taken his life over and held him captive with the faintest breath, the quietest flatter of her heart? She didn't even need to look at him, she had the power to tear him apart just by existing. The thought that there could come a day when she could be hurt, or unsafe, or crying out for help, was torture for him. It caused him to spiral out of sanity, out of control. So he backed out of the little one's room, he gasped and he blinked tears away, grasping at his chest as if he was trying to rip it open because he couldn't get enough air into his lungs, he couldn't breathe.

Panting, Mon-El went back to his previous spot. He collapsed as soon as the back of his knees hit the sofa and he lowered his head. He covered his face with his hands, restricting his airway even more. 

"It's not real," he mumbled to himself, but he couldn't calm his pounding heart, he couldn't erase the memories haunting him. "It's not real," he repeated and clenched his eyes shut. His toes curled, the ache spread, and his panic grew.

He sat there, lost inside his head, weakened by his trauma and overwhelmed by the need to protect his most valuable gift, the baby he never thought he would get to have yet Rao had blessed him with. He clawed at his skin, bit on his lip, choked on empty air. He drowned in his own made-up catastrophe. But he couldn't escape it, he couldn't get out. The logical part of him was telling him to calm down, that his baby was fine, that everything was fine. Yet the fear and the panic and his past intertwined in such a way that he couldn't see anything past them. He knew the nightmare was only a fragment of a life he'd long ago left behind, of a time a thousand years ahead that he wouldn't live long enough to see again. But so many impossible things had happened to him already. So many impossible things had happened period. Nobody could tell him his nightmare wouldn't come true, nothing could convince him that his daughter wouldn't become one of the helpless children he'd failed to keep out of harm's way.

Amidst his episode, Mon-El didn't hear the lock clicking. He didn't hear Kara shuffling in. He could barely hear his own inhales and exhales.

Kara did hear though; his troubled breathing, his mindless mumbling, the gentle rocking of his body. "Mon-El?" She called out quietly, approaching slowly so as not to startle him. "Baby, are you hurt?" She padded closer, falling on her knees in front of his crouched form. She wasn't sure if she should touch him, since he obviously hadn't noticed her yet, so she kept her hands at her sides. The deep frown of her lips matched the furrow of her brows, her concern almost palpable. She had no idea what was going on, what was happening to Mon-El, so her worry came full-force.

She waited, didn't speak, didn't move, didn't make noise. She just waited. But one minute passed, then two, then three, and Mon-El didn't seem to be coming back to himself, if anything it seemed like he was slipping further away. So Kara didn't wait any longer, she couldn't. Slowly, lightly, she touched Mon-El's legs, his knees, the sides of his thighs, easing him into awareness with gentle fingers. When she reached his neck, she let her hands linger, pressing a little more as she finally spoke again. "Mon-El, can you look at me?" She urged and his shaking shoulders steadied. "Yes, I'm here baby, can you look at me please?" Kara tenderly stroked at his ears, at the skin along his hairline, and she pried his hands off his stressed face. She connected their foreheads and waited for Mon-El to open his eyes. 

"Kara?" He asked, his voice barely audible, and he looked at her with tears rolling down his cheeks. Kara wiped them away with her thumbs and Mon-El simply stared, tracing the speckles and shades of blue in her eyes, letting Kara be the trap that held him instead of his ghostly past inside his head. He let himself fall onto her, into her familiar hold, breathing when she told him to, her scent a comfort clearing out his fogged senses.

"You're okay, I've got you, I'm right here," she soothed, rubbing his back, feeling the fabric of his shirt soaking through with sweat.

"You're right here," Mon-El repeated, nodding his head and breathing more easily. His thoughts were still wild, still swirling and jumbling, but he realized something he'd forgotten during his panic attack. He had Kara. Kara was strong, she was the hero he couldn't be, she was powerful and smart and effective. All the people he'd failed to save were his cross to bear, but their daughter had Kara, and nobody would hurt her as long as she had her mother. He might not be enough, for the world, for his lover, for his daughter, but Kara was and always would be. Kara would never let happen the things he wasn't enough of a hero to prevent, he knew that, and the fact alone broke him out of his trance.

Mon-El sighed, a bit breathless, still dazed, but as his heart slowed to a normal pace, as Kara's touch brought him back to reality, back to the present, he let her guide him out of his prison.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, feeling the need to explain himself before Kara blamed him for his carelessness, for letting himself get swamped by his inner troubles when he was supposed to be looking after their baby daughter. "We were napping and I, I think I had a nightmare but I didn't hurt her, I swear to you I didn't do anything, I would never- she's, she's safe, she's sleeping in her crib, I didn't- I wouldn't let this happen if she- if she wasn't okay, I wouldn't- I'm so sorry Kara," Mon-El choked out, speaking fast, needing to say everything at once so Kara would know that he would never let something like that happen while their daughter needed his undivided attention, he wouldn't have let himself break if their baby hadn't been safe and taken care of, sleeping in her bed. He spoke, not fully aware of what he was saying, not really able to make sense, feeling like he was in trouble, like he had taken it too far this time. One day, just one day, Kara trusted him to stay home, to take care of their little girl, and he had a panic attack. The more he thought about it, the more he realised what he'd done, the more certain he became that Kara had had enough, that after this she'd send him away. He knew he wasn't a good enough father, not when he carried so much baggage, not when a harmless nightmare could have him breaking down within minutes. But still, he tried to convince his girlfriend otherwise, tried to get another chance even though he felt like he didn't deserve it.

Kara shook her head at his words, her eyes soft, her face sad. She didn't look angry, nor judgemental, like Mon-El had expected. She stayed on her knees, holding his face and forcing their eyes to lock, preventing his gaze from straying away. "Oh, my love," she spoke softly. "I know you'd never hurt our girl, I know how good you are with her, I'm not worried about that."

"No?" He raised a brow, raw disbelief dripping from that one syllable he managed to croak out.

"No, Mon-El, no baby," Kara reassured, promised, comforted. She tried to do everything at once, to give him everything he needed at once, and when his shoulders relaxed, she knew she had succeeded. "I'm worried about you, you're blaming yourself again for things you can't control, things I would _never_ hold against you. We talked about this." She stroked his cheek, feeling weak herself. She didn't know what else to do to help him, didn't know how to turn his mind around. Kara knew how Mon-El would beat himself up, how he could convince himself he wasn't worth it, just because he thought he'd made a mistake. He feared Kara wouldn't give him a chance when he was the one who denied that to himself. He was the one who couldn't forgive himself.

"You're okay, you're enough, I love you," she said, a mantra she had to repeat enough times to know those were the only words that could actually help, they were the only ones targeting his issues and hitting a nerve, they were the ones he needed. "I love you, and our baby loves you, and I trust you with her life just as I trust you with mine."

"But I- I'm not you Kara, I couldn't protect those children, how do you know I can protect you two?"

"I know because you've proven it, so many times. You've been taking care of us and protecting this city and working yourself thin so I don't have to do anything, I don't have to strain or stress myself. And this is definitely my fault, I shouldn't have left you alone today, I know what day it is."

"That's no excuse," Mon-El argued. 

"You don't need one," Kara said back. She stood and slid beside him on the couch, turning him toward her. "I'm sorry that you couldn't save that planet, and I know how it hurts, but Mon-El, we can't save everyone. Not in the present and not in the future. I'm sorry I sent you away and you had to save the world alone, I can't even imagine how it is to live through what you have."

Mon-El leaned more into Kara's touch as he squeezed his eyes shut, memories vividly playing under his closed lids. It'd been four years since that day, the one that haunted him the most. He was still living in the 31st century, still leading the Legion, when they got word of a small planet some lights years away from Earth, that had been invaded and in the process of being slaughtered. He hadn't hesitated then, immediately he gathered his team and they flew to that planet, but when they got there it had already been a little too late. The ground they'd stepped on had been soaked with blood, dead bodies scattered around, thrown as if the people they had once been had meant nothing. They did save the planet, they did save its people, but not all of them. He wasn't fast enough to save all of them. And it was hard to live with it, but he knew he could push through it. But when he saw the children, the lifeless tiny bodies gathered in a pile and left to rot, something changed inside of him, something broke and he never quite managed to fix it. It didn't matter that they'd saved tens of thousands, not when there were so many small souls lost. Those were the most important, the little ones, those pained him the most.

Kara had known about it all, Mon-El had talked to her about it once, after a panic attack much like this last one. She knew how it was hurting him, to remember, to relive it in his dreams, and it was hurting her too, because it had happened and also because it had shattered Mon-El from the inside out, he suffered for it.

"It's not your fault," Mon-El said after he opened his eyes again. He was much calmer, his breathing stable, his panic subsiding.

Kara didn't have enough time to reply when a cry was heard from the other room. Both turned their eyes to look in the nursery's direction, and they both smiled at the sound despite themselves.

"I'll get her," Kara said softly, moving to stand up. 

Immediately, Mon-El put a hand on the blonde's thigh, stopping her. "Let me," he pleaded.

Kara couldn't help but nod, not having enough resolve to deny his request even if she wanted to. She let Mon-El go get their daughter, watching his movements, and she stayed on the couch, listening to them. She heard the gurgles and the whimpers, and she heard Mon-El's comforting, sweet words. A minute later, they appeared together, faces pressed as Mon-El whispered endearments in the baby's ear. She, in return, had her wandering eyes wide, responding to her father's words with meaningless sounds of her own, as if she was talking right back to him.

Kara grinned at the two. She bit her bottom lip, wishing Mon-El could see through her own eyes, see how absolutely perfect he was to their baby, dotting and fulfilling her every need, showering her with gentle love and soft affection. She wished she could capture that particular moment and show it to him every time he doubted himself and thought he wasn't enough.

"Look who's awake!" Mon-El told Kara, feigning an overexcited tone. The baby's mouth twitched upwards, the closest she could get to a smile at her age, and the two joined Kara. Mon-El held the baby up, a hand supporting the back of her head, and she instinctively turned to look at her mother, even though Kara hadn't said a word yet.

"Hi beautiful," the blonde sang, leaning in to press a kiss on a tiny nose. Kara reached out, taking the little girl in her own arms, unable to wait any longer. One day away and she'd missed her. She wasn't used to spending time apart, for the past couple of months the two had been inseparable. So Kara held her close, finally fully relaxed now that she had her girl within eyesight.

Later, when she was the one sprawled on the couch, Mon-El's head resting on her stomach, one arm wrapped around her middle, and their baby was cradled on her chest, her tiny foot grazing her daddy's nose, Kara let out a heavy breath. She weaved her fingers through Mon-El's hair, leaning her head atop the baby's, and she whispered. "We're both so lucky to have you." She knew he couldn't hear, yet it didn't matter, she'd make sure to tell him come morning anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, this is getting ridiculous, we need a name for this baby girl! I can't decide on one so please if you have any name suggestions let me know in the comments! 
> 
> Thanks for reading and if you left a kudos I'd really appreciate it!


End file.
